1 00:00:03,481 --> 00:00:07,918 Good evening. I'm your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. 2 00:00:12,423 --> 00:00:15,915 I was expecting applause. 3 00:00:16,093 --> 00:00:20,052 But I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate. 4 00:00:20,231 --> 00:00:23,200 I agreed to speak to you this evening... 5 00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:26,268 ...because I was told you're the best and the brightest... 6 00:00:26,437 --> 00:00:28,997 ...of this university's doctoral candidates. 7 00:00:29,173 --> 00:00:32,438 Hmm. That's like saying you're the most important electron... 8 00:00:32,610 --> 00:00:34,908 ...in a hydrogen atom. Ha, ha. 9 00:00:38,249 --> 00:00:40,740 Because, you see, there's only one electron... 10 00:00:40,918 --> 00:00:42,943 ...in a hydrogen atom. 11 00:00:46,090 --> 00:00:47,921 Best and brightest, my sweet patootie. 12 00:00:48,092 --> 00:00:50,322 All right. Let's begin. Show of hands. 13 00:00:50,495 --> 00:00:54,488 Who here is familiar with the concept of topological insulators? 14 00:00:55,733 --> 00:00:56,995 Heh. Don't kid yourselves. 15 00:00:59,670 --> 00:01:02,161 I found another tweet from a student. 16 00:01:02,340 --> 00:01:04,865 "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject... 17 00:01:05,042 --> 00:01:08,409 ...and managed to make it completely insufferable. 18 00:01:09,146 --> 00:01:11,046 Plus, he looks like a giant insect." 19 00:01:11,215 --> 00:01:12,375 (RAJ LAUGHS) 20 00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:15,348 Look. Listen to this one. "Does Einstein's theory... 21 00:01:15,520 --> 00:01:18,284 ...explain why time flies when you're having fun... 22 00:01:18,456 --> 00:01:22,119 ...but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky dead?" 23 00:01:22,293 --> 00:01:23,317 (LAUGHS) 24 00:01:23,494 --> 00:01:27,191 Ooh, somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account. 25 00:01:28,165 --> 00:01:33,000 Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time? 26 00:01:33,471 --> 00:01:36,133 Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back. 27 00:01:36,307 --> 00:01:37,706 (RAJ LAUGHS) 28 00:01:37,875 --> 00:01:40,343 Hey, Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down? I can't get on. 29 00:01:40,511 --> 00:01:44,379 Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Penny is a freeloader." 30 00:01:45,683 --> 00:01:46,911 No spaces. 31 00:01:47,084 --> 00:01:49,018 Thanks. What are you guys doing? 32 00:01:49,186 --> 00:01:51,984 Sheldon gave a lecture tonight. We're reading the reviews. 33 00:01:52,156 --> 00:01:53,350 Oh, how did he do? 34 00:01:53,524 --> 00:01:58,018 Picture the Hindenburg meets Chernobyl meets Three Mile Island meets Tron 2. 35 00:01:59,163 --> 00:02:00,221 That bad, huh? 36 00:02:00,398 --> 00:02:02,525 Read this woman's tweet. 37 00:02:03,734 --> 00:02:07,170 "Listening to Dr. Cooper has made me wanna start cutting myself again." 38 00:02:07,338 --> 00:02:08,600 Yeah. Ha-ha-ha. 39 00:02:10,741 --> 00:02:13,574 Well, good evening, Leonard, Howard, Raj. 40 00:02:13,744 --> 00:02:15,575 Freeloader. 41 00:02:16,881 --> 00:02:18,576 So how did the lecture go? 42 00:02:18,749 --> 00:02:21,217 In a word, triumphant. 43 00:02:22,420 --> 00:02:25,184 - Really? Triumphant? - Oh, yes. 44 00:02:25,356 --> 00:02:28,291 Should've seen those people. They're thirsty for knowledge... 45 00:02:28,492 --> 00:02:29,789 ...drinking in my wisdom. 46 00:02:30,261 --> 00:02:32,889 I may have changed a few lives today. 47 00:02:34,065 --> 00:02:36,693 Oh, please, let me tell him. 48 00:02:36,867 --> 00:02:38,835 I don't know. I kind of promised Howard. 49 00:02:39,804 --> 00:02:42,398 - Tell me what? - Actually, we should share the moment. 50 00:02:42,573 --> 00:02:43,665 Raj, if you would. 51 00:02:46,577 --> 00:02:49,876 Oh, tweets about my lecture. 52 00:02:52,416 --> 00:02:54,111 Hmm. 53 00:02:54,919 --> 00:02:57,285 That's rather unfair. 54 00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,418 That's downright cruel. 55 00:02:59,590 --> 00:03:01,922 Plus, insects have six legs. 56 00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:06,154 I'm not familiar with the acronym KMN. 57 00:03:06,330 --> 00:03:09,493 Oh, from the context, we think it means "kill me now." 58 00:03:12,837 --> 00:03:16,739 Well, I suppose everyone's entitled to their own opinion. 59 00:03:16,907 --> 00:03:18,204 I think I'll turn in. 60 00:03:20,611 --> 00:03:23,546 I didn't wanna teach those poopy heads anyway. 61 00:03:26,283 --> 00:03:28,774 FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said... 62 00:03:28,953 --> 00:03:32,116 ...just before he started building the Death Star. 63 00:03:58,049 --> 00:04:00,449 - Sheldon still moping? - Yeah, it's weird. 64 00:04:00,651 --> 00:04:04,883 Though he didn't wanna give the lecture, being rejected by students hit him hard. 65 00:04:05,056 --> 00:04:08,116 Hmm, I know the feeling. Like accidentally walking into a gay bar... 66 00:04:08,292 --> 00:04:10,658 ...then having no one hit on you. 67 00:04:17,535 --> 00:04:20,436 It happened to a friend of mine. 68 00:04:22,206 --> 00:04:24,868 - Are you doing okay? - Yeah, Leonard and I are fine... 69 00:04:25,042 --> 00:04:27,704 ...but I think Raj needs to meet a girl really soon. 70 00:04:28,913 --> 00:04:31,074 That shouldn't be too hard. He's a cutie. 71 00:04:31,248 --> 00:04:33,273 Oh, thank you. But cute is for bunnies. 72 00:04:33,451 --> 00:04:38,081 I want to be something with sex appeal, like a Labradoodle. 73 00:04:40,057 --> 00:04:41,115 Labradoodle? 74 00:04:42,126 --> 00:04:44,993 We might be starting to zero in on your problem. 75 00:04:45,596 --> 00:04:48,463 Don't you listen to them. You've got plenty of sex appeal. 76 00:04:48,632 --> 00:04:50,896 - You really think so? - Yeah, you're a hottie. 77 00:04:51,702 --> 00:04:53,829 Thanks, Bernadette. 78 00:04:55,573 --> 00:04:58,064 For the record, Labradoodles are hypoallergenic... 79 00:04:58,242 --> 00:05:01,507 ...which is a very sexy quality to those troubled by animal dander. 80 00:05:04,915 --> 00:05:06,507 AMY (OVER COMPUTER): So, what do you think? 81 00:05:09,620 --> 00:05:12,646 It's a charming illusion, but it does not cheer me up. 82 00:05:12,823 --> 00:05:14,814 Not even when I do this? 83 00:05:14,992 --> 00:05:19,292 (MIMICS AIR BUBBLES POPPING UNDERWATER) 84 00:05:21,232 --> 00:05:22,665 No. 85 00:05:23,667 --> 00:05:27,262 Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy. 86 00:05:27,671 --> 00:05:30,936 Do you realize teaching is the first thing I've failed at... 87 00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:35,477 ...since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989? 88 00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:40,144 If this experience is troubling you there are things we could do about it. 89 00:05:40,317 --> 00:05:43,115 - For instance? - The first thing that comes to mind... 90 00:05:43,287 --> 00:05:46,017 ...is isolating the part of your brain where memory is stored... 91 00:05:46,190 --> 00:05:48,283 ...and destroying it with a laser. 92 00:05:48,893 --> 00:05:49,917 Hmm. 93 00:05:50,094 --> 00:05:54,292 No. One slip of the hand and I'm sitting in the Engineering Department... 94 00:05:54,465 --> 00:05:57,161 ...building doodads with Wolowitz. 95 00:05:57,768 --> 00:06:01,363 All right. Have you considered improving your socialization skills... 96 00:06:01,539 --> 00:06:04,133 ...thus allowing you to communicate more effectively? 97 00:06:04,308 --> 00:06:05,639 Isn't that their burden? 98 00:06:05,810 --> 00:06:08,677 I'm the one with something interesting to say. 99 00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,681 Fair enough. But in its essence, teaching is a performance art. 100 00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:16,684 In the classroom paradigm, the teacher has the responsibility to communicate... 101 00:06:16,854 --> 00:06:18,981 ...as well as entertain and engage. 102 00:06:19,557 --> 00:06:22,048 I sense you're trying to slow walk me to an epiphany. 103 00:06:22,226 --> 00:06:24,319 Would you mind very much jumping to it? 104 00:06:25,196 --> 00:06:27,687 Perhaps you should consider taking acting lessons. 105 00:06:28,165 --> 00:06:29,723 Acting lessons. 106 00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,731 Interesting. 107 00:06:31,902 --> 00:06:35,065 It might help if I could act as though I care about my students... 108 00:06:35,239 --> 00:06:37,434 ...and whether or not they learn. 109 00:06:39,710 --> 00:06:41,007 Penny. 110 00:06:41,178 --> 00:06:42,440 Penny. 111 00:06:42,613 --> 00:06:44,103 Penny. 112 00:06:45,416 --> 00:06:49,250 - What? - You're an "actress," correct? 113 00:06:50,054 --> 00:06:54,081 I'm not an "actress." I'm an actress. 114 00:06:54,925 --> 00:06:57,723 All right. You're an actress. 115 00:06:59,163 --> 00:07:01,893 - I need you to teach me. - You want an acting lesson? 116 00:07:02,066 --> 00:07:05,092 Perhaps two. I'd like to master the craft. 117 00:07:06,203 --> 00:07:07,932 Okay, where is this coming from? 118 00:07:08,405 --> 00:07:12,933 It has been suggested to me that acting techniques could improve my lecturing. 119 00:07:13,110 --> 00:07:18,047 At which, if certain tweets and blogs are to be believed, I "suck the big one." 120 00:07:18,215 --> 00:07:19,239 (LAUGHS) 121 00:07:19,416 --> 00:07:23,648 I saw those. They were funny. I printed a few out and put them on my fridge. 122 00:07:24,221 --> 00:07:25,552 So when can we start? 123 00:07:25,723 --> 00:07:27,156 Okay, just to be clear. 124 00:07:27,358 --> 00:07:29,952 You are asking me for help because I know something... 125 00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:32,561 ...that the brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper doesn't. 126 00:07:33,664 --> 00:07:36,292 I suppose that's one way to look at it. 127 00:07:37,001 --> 00:07:39,094 I think it's the only way to look at it. 128 00:07:39,803 --> 00:07:43,261 - Are you going to help me or not? - Probably. Just enjoying the foreplay. 129 00:07:44,775 --> 00:07:47,073 Does this mean you are done mocking my career? 130 00:07:47,244 --> 00:07:48,336 Oh, I'm sorry. 131 00:07:48,512 --> 00:07:51,743 I thought making the transition from actor to acting teacher... 132 00:07:51,916 --> 00:07:55,317 ...was the signal that one's career had reached the end of the road. 133 00:07:57,388 --> 00:07:59,913 - Forget it. - I'll pay you $40. 134 00:08:00,090 --> 00:08:02,251 Saturday, 9 a.m. Bring cash. 135 00:08:05,296 --> 00:08:07,264 - Raj, I have amazing news. - What? 136 00:08:07,431 --> 00:08:11,026 Ha, ha. I just got offered a fellowship at the Weizmann Institute in Israel. 137 00:08:11,201 --> 00:08:12,862 - Dude, that's incredible. HOWARD: I know. 138 00:08:13,037 --> 00:08:15,665 The only thing is, I'm gonna be gone for two years. 139 00:08:15,839 --> 00:08:17,534 Oh, I'm gonna miss you. 140 00:08:17,708 --> 00:08:20,302 - Are you going with him? - I have to stay for school. 141 00:08:20,477 --> 00:08:26,313 That's what we're here to talk to you about. You see, Bernadette has needs. 142 00:08:28,485 --> 00:08:29,645 What kind of needs? 143 00:08:30,220 --> 00:08:32,154 Sexual needs. 144 00:08:33,190 --> 00:08:37,058 Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up. 145 00:08:39,830 --> 00:08:43,926 So while I'm gone, you're gonna have to satisfy her. 146 00:08:45,169 --> 00:08:46,693 What do you say? 147 00:08:48,138 --> 00:08:50,470 I say okey-dokey. 148 00:08:56,747 --> 00:08:58,442 What you thinking so hard about? 149 00:08:59,183 --> 00:09:02,346 Just that I'm definitely not gay. 150 00:09:10,094 --> 00:09:11,391 SHELDON: Penny. 151 00:09:11,562 --> 00:09:12,893 Penny. 152 00:09:13,063 --> 00:09:14,462 Penny. 153 00:09:14,631 --> 00:09:17,862 - What's wrong? - Nothing. I was acting. 154 00:09:18,402 --> 00:09:19,426 (SIGHS) 155 00:09:19,603 --> 00:09:20,763 You were acting? 156 00:09:20,971 --> 00:09:25,340 Yes. In preparation for today's studies, I read Stanislavski's An Actor Prepares... 157 00:09:25,509 --> 00:09:27,568 ...Stella Adler's The Technique of Acting... 158 00:09:27,745 --> 00:09:32,512 ...Uta Hagen's Respect for Acting, and Henry Winkler's Eh, I'm an Actor. 159 00:09:33,617 --> 00:09:36,415 Well, good for you. Come on in. 160 00:09:36,587 --> 00:09:39,112 - How should we begin? - Well, I thought we'd start... 161 00:09:39,289 --> 00:09:41,416 ...with some basic movement exercises. 162 00:09:41,592 --> 00:09:43,526 You know, get our bodies warmed up. 163 00:09:43,694 --> 00:09:45,685 - All right. - I just want you to relax... 164 00:09:45,863 --> 00:09:48,297 ...and kind of move around in the space, you know. 165 00:09:48,499 --> 00:09:51,491 Just do whatever feels natural. 166 00:09:58,409 --> 00:10:02,140 - Sheldon. - You said to do whatever feels natural. 167 00:10:02,312 --> 00:10:03,643 This feels natural. 168 00:10:04,782 --> 00:10:07,649 Certainly more natural than what you're doing. 169 00:10:07,818 --> 00:10:10,753 Gotta work with me. We need to get connected with our bodies. 170 00:10:10,921 --> 00:10:14,550 Penny, my body and I have a relationship that works best... 171 00:10:14,725 --> 00:10:18,024 ...when we maintain a cool, wary distance from each other. 172 00:10:18,695 --> 00:10:20,492 (SIGHS) 173 00:10:20,664 --> 00:10:22,757 All right, let's just say we've warmed up. 174 00:10:23,133 --> 00:10:24,725 You're the "teacher." 175 00:10:25,335 --> 00:10:26,359 (SIGHS) 176 00:10:26,537 --> 00:10:28,767 Okay. One of the things that might help you... 177 00:10:28,939 --> 00:10:32,170 ...in connecting with students is being a little more spontaneous. 178 00:10:32,342 --> 00:10:34,105 Why don't we try some improvisation? 179 00:10:34,278 --> 00:10:38,180 Why not? It seems like you're improvising your entire curriculum. 180 00:10:39,983 --> 00:10:43,612 - This is about listening and responding. - Gotcha. 181 00:10:43,787 --> 00:10:46,654 I'm gonna create a character and situation and just jump in. 182 00:10:46,824 --> 00:10:48,121 - All right. - All right. 183 00:10:48,292 --> 00:10:49,987 Action. 184 00:10:52,362 --> 00:10:55,820 Okay. It's not a movie, it's improv. So no one calls, "Action." 185 00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:57,762 Hey, you taught me something. 186 00:10:58,802 --> 00:11:00,201 Who would've thought it? 187 00:11:02,406 --> 00:11:04,203 Ahem. Okay. 188 00:11:04,374 --> 00:11:07,002 No, the shipment hasn't arrived and I need those shoes. 189 00:11:07,177 --> 00:11:10,237 They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies, sizes 6 through 10. 190 00:11:10,414 --> 00:11:13,975 Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go. I have a customer. Bye-bye. 191 00:11:14,151 --> 00:11:15,311 Hi, can I help you? 192 00:11:15,853 --> 00:11:18,822 I'd like a frozen yogurt, please. 193 00:11:22,359 --> 00:11:23,758 Yogurt? 194 00:11:23,927 --> 00:11:29,160 Um, okay. Sure. You... Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here. 195 00:11:30,667 --> 00:11:32,532 You do? 196 00:11:33,370 --> 00:11:38,103 Yes. Look up at the sign and remember, improv is always about saying yes. 197 00:11:38,675 --> 00:11:39,699 All right. 198 00:11:39,877 --> 00:11:40,901 (GASPS) 199 00:11:41,078 --> 00:11:42,602 Yes. 200 00:11:43,714 --> 00:11:45,181 I see a sign. 201 00:11:45,349 --> 00:11:49,149 It says, "Camarillo State Mental Hospital." 202 00:11:50,888 --> 00:11:51,980 What? 203 00:11:52,356 --> 00:11:54,347 The only explanation I can come up with... 204 00:11:54,525 --> 00:11:57,892 ...for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt. 205 00:11:58,695 --> 00:12:01,129 Okay, you know what? Let's try a different improv. 206 00:12:02,065 --> 00:12:06,229 Oh. This time, we will be two winos living under a freeway overpass. 207 00:12:06,403 --> 00:12:08,268 Oh, and we're going to use props? 208 00:12:08,438 --> 00:12:10,167 You bet. 209 00:12:12,576 --> 00:12:15,010 I had dreams, you know. I was gonna be famous. 210 00:12:15,546 --> 00:12:19,073 Show everybody back home I could be someone. Now, look at me. 211 00:12:20,417 --> 00:12:23,944 - Want some? - Do you have any frozen yogurt? 212 00:12:28,759 --> 00:12:32,354 I'm still not adjusted to how the Syfy channel spells their name now. 213 00:12:32,529 --> 00:12:35,589 S-Y-F-Y. That's "siffy." 214 00:12:36,066 --> 00:12:37,090 Uh-huh. 215 00:12:37,267 --> 00:12:38,894 (PHONE RINGING) 216 00:12:42,072 --> 00:12:43,596 Hello? 217 00:12:45,576 --> 00:12:47,305 Oh, my God, is he okay? 218 00:12:47,511 --> 00:12:49,172 - What happened? - Hang on, hang on. 219 00:12:49,880 --> 00:12:51,006 Uh-huh. 220 00:12:51,582 --> 00:12:52,606 Okay, thank you. 221 00:12:53,784 --> 00:12:56,150 Howard was on his scooter and got hit by a truck. 222 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:57,981 He's in critical condition. 223 00:12:58,188 --> 00:13:00,486 Oh, no. 224 00:13:02,693 --> 00:13:05,127 Did you hear? Isn't it terrible? 225 00:13:05,295 --> 00:13:07,490 - Have you seen him? - They wouldn't let me in. 226 00:13:08,098 --> 00:13:10,498 Oh, my Howie. 227 00:13:10,968 --> 00:13:12,595 It'll be okay. 228 00:13:12,769 --> 00:13:14,168 It'll be okay. 229 00:13:14,338 --> 00:13:15,635 It'll be okay. 230 00:13:15,806 --> 00:13:17,967 It'll be okay. 231 00:13:18,442 --> 00:13:20,000 (PHONE RINGS) 232 00:13:20,944 --> 00:13:22,969 It's Howard. Ahem. 233 00:13:23,513 --> 00:13:24,810 Howard, hello. 234 00:13:24,982 --> 00:13:27,473 Raj, is that you? 235 00:13:28,619 --> 00:13:30,211 Yeah, I'm here. How are you? 236 00:13:30,387 --> 00:13:33,356 Shh. Shh. Listen to me. I'm not gonna make it. 237 00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:36,458 No, don't say that, you're going to be all right. 238 00:13:36,627 --> 00:13:38,788 Raj, I don't have time. Now, pay attention. 239 00:13:39,496 --> 00:13:43,728 My last wish is that you look after Bernadette. 240 00:13:43,900 --> 00:13:46,334 Of course. Of course. 241 00:13:47,504 --> 00:13:50,234 Now when you say "look after," you mean... 242 00:13:50,607 --> 00:13:52,234 Sexually. 243 00:13:52,409 --> 00:13:55,139 Excuse me, Bernadette, I have to hear it from him. 244 00:13:56,146 --> 00:13:58,239 Sexually. 245 00:13:58,782 --> 00:13:59,908 Got it. Take care. 246 00:14:02,052 --> 00:14:05,647 I guess I have no choice but to make sweet, guilt-free love to you... 247 00:14:05,822 --> 00:14:08,757 ...for the rest of my life. - That's how I heard it. 248 00:14:15,465 --> 00:14:17,023 Or it could be "syfee." 249 00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:20,934 - What? - S-Y-F-Y. "Syfee." 250 00:14:21,471 --> 00:14:22,961 Oh, right. 251 00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:24,698 Good one. 252 00:14:27,344 --> 00:14:32,213 - Did you go over the scene I gave you? - Yes. I didn't care for it. 253 00:14:33,917 --> 00:14:37,409 Okay, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof is an American classic. 254 00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:40,579 So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either. 255 00:14:42,759 --> 00:14:46,593 Ahem. Fine. What would you rather do as a scene study? 256 00:14:46,797 --> 00:14:47,855 I'm glad you asked. 257 00:14:48,031 --> 00:14:52,365 I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella... 258 00:14:52,536 --> 00:14:55,733 ...I wrote when I was 10 into a one-act play. 259 00:14:57,040 --> 00:14:59,235 You think it's better than Tennessee Williams? 260 00:15:00,177 --> 00:15:03,305 Why don't we leave that for future generations to decide? 261 00:15:04,448 --> 00:15:07,178 "Where No Sheldon has Gone Before." 262 00:15:07,684 --> 00:15:10,949 It's the story of a young boy who is transported... 263 00:15:11,121 --> 00:15:15,114 ...from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd century... 264 00:15:15,325 --> 00:15:20,058 ...where his genius is not only appreciated, but celebrated. 265 00:15:20,530 --> 00:15:22,430 KMN. 266 00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:27,694 Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon's mother, played by you... 267 00:15:27,871 --> 00:15:29,270 ...argues with an emissary... 268 00:15:29,439 --> 00:15:34,638 ...of the United Federation of Planets, Mr. Spock, the role I will bring to life. 269 00:15:35,645 --> 00:15:39,240 Okay, that's fine, but let's try and get you out of your comfort zone. 270 00:15:39,750 --> 00:15:41,149 Why would we wanna do that? 271 00:15:41,351 --> 00:15:43,876 It's called the comfort zone for a reason. 272 00:15:44,287 --> 00:15:46,755 Okay, the whole point is to loosen you up a little. 273 00:15:46,923 --> 00:15:51,622 I'm thinking, you'll play the role of your mother and I will bring life to Mr. Spock. 274 00:15:58,368 --> 00:16:00,666 I'm sorry. You'll be Spock? 275 00:16:01,071 --> 00:16:03,631 (AS SPOCK) It's only logical. 276 00:16:06,676 --> 00:16:08,007 Very well. Ahem. 277 00:16:08,178 --> 00:16:10,373 - I'll set the scene. - All right. 278 00:16:11,148 --> 00:16:14,345 East Texas. A warm summer night. 279 00:16:14,518 --> 00:16:17,646 A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. 280 00:16:17,821 --> 00:16:20,813 In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle: 281 00:16:20,991 --> 00:16:22,083 (MIMICS TRAIN WHISTLE) 282 00:16:22,259 --> 00:16:24,989 The droning buzz of cicadas: 283 00:16:25,162 --> 00:16:26,459 (BUZZING) 284 00:16:26,630 --> 00:16:29,098 A coyote howls at the moon... 285 00:16:29,266 --> 00:16:31,496 ...frightening sensitive young boys everywhere: 286 00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:32,896 (HOWLS) 287 00:16:33,703 --> 00:16:38,163 - Out in the woods, an owl screeches... - Okay, we get it. You set the scene. 288 00:16:38,775 --> 00:16:40,072 (HOOTS) 289 00:16:41,511 --> 00:16:43,411 Okay, just read your mother's line. 290 00:16:46,316 --> 00:16:50,343 (AS MOTHER) Shelly. Shelly. How many times have I told you... 291 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:53,580 ...not to leave your science-y stuff out on the porch? 292 00:16:54,524 --> 00:16:57,891 Goodness. I'll never understand that boy. 293 00:16:58,061 --> 00:17:00,621 But then again, I'm a religious nut... 294 00:17:00,797 --> 00:17:04,790 ...and my mind is closed to so many things. 295 00:17:05,669 --> 00:17:08,968 (MIMICS TRANSPORTER) 296 00:17:09,139 --> 00:17:11,937 (AS SPOCK) Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful. 297 00:17:12,108 --> 00:17:14,269 Glory be to heaven. 298 00:17:14,444 --> 00:17:17,902 Some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. 299 00:17:18,081 --> 00:17:20,572 George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon... 300 00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,583 ...that ain't fooling no one, and get your shotgun. 301 00:17:24,654 --> 00:17:28,590 Greetings, Mary Cooper. I am Spock. 302 00:17:31,495 --> 00:17:34,089 (IN NORMAL VOICE) I'm sorry, I just don't buy it. 303 00:17:34,464 --> 00:17:35,761 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Just keep going. 304 00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:41,269 (AS MOTHER) Oh, my, your sudden appearance startles me. 305 00:17:41,471 --> 00:17:44,770 (AS SPOCK) We have been monitoring your son, Sheldon, from the 23rd century... 306 00:17:44,975 --> 00:17:47,375 ...and we've determined he's now ready to join us. 307 00:17:47,544 --> 00:17:50,411 His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace... 308 00:17:50,580 --> 00:17:52,707 ...to a vast and troubled galaxy. 309 00:17:52,883 --> 00:17:54,077 I understand. 310 00:17:55,185 --> 00:17:58,848 Oh, Shelly, a man's here to take you away to the future. 311 00:17:59,022 --> 00:18:01,752 Be sure to pack clean underwear. 312 00:18:02,359 --> 00:18:06,022 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Okay, try that last line again and this time try choking up a little. 313 00:18:06,897 --> 00:18:09,195 - (IN NORMAL VOICE) Why? - Well, you're losing your son. 314 00:18:09,366 --> 00:18:14,736 Yes, but he's going to a better place where he won't get beat up so much. 315 00:18:14,905 --> 00:18:17,965 All right, just try it my way. Pretend you're sad to see him go. 316 00:18:18,141 --> 00:18:19,768 I'm gonna lead you in. Ahem. 317 00:18:20,544 --> 00:18:23,479 (AS SPOCK) His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace... 318 00:18:23,647 --> 00:18:26,115 ...to a vast and troubled galaxy. 319 00:18:27,751 --> 00:18:30,515 - (IN NORMAL VOICE) That's your cue. - I'm sorry, I just love that line. 320 00:18:32,255 --> 00:18:34,382 Even the way you do it. 321 00:18:35,292 --> 00:18:37,192 All right, come on. Put emotion to it. 322 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:40,261 Blah, blah, blah. Vast and troubled galaxy, go. 323 00:18:41,798 --> 00:18:45,734 00:19:14,695 ...and everyone around here's dumber than a bag of rocks. 333 00:19:14,864 --> 00:19:17,992 (AS MOTHER) Oh, now, don't you start crying. You get in that spaceship. 334 00:19:18,168 --> 00:19:19,499 Mommy's late for Indian bingo. 335 00:19:19,669 --> 00:19:21,762 (SOBBING) 336 00:19:23,373 --> 00:19:26,865 Mrs. Cooper, hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son. 337 00:19:27,377 --> 00:19:29,311 Hold on. Talk to your mother. 338 00:19:30,113 --> 00:19:32,445 (IN NORMAL VOICE) Mommy, I love you. 339 00:19:32,616 --> 00:19:35,847 Don't let Spock take me to the future. 340 00:19:42,826 --> 00:19:45,158 Raj, I know you've been avoiding me and Howard... 341 00:19:45,328 --> 00:19:49,025 ...and I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on inside that head. 342 00:19:54,938 --> 00:19:58,396 (BOLLYWOOD MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS) 343 00:19:58,575 --> 00:20:02,671 (SINGING) Like the wild elephant I am trumpeting my love for you 344 00:20:02,846 --> 00:20:07,180 (SINGING) Like a hidden flower My sweet fragrance comes into view 345 00:20:16,426 --> 00:20:20,385 My heart burns for you Like the sun at noon 346 00:20:20,563 --> 00:20:24,863 My desert welcomes you Like the rainy monsoon 347 00:20:25,035 --> 00:20:26,798 You are my heart 348 00:20:26,970 --> 00:20:29,131 My universe 349 00:20:29,305 --> 00:20:30,966 You are my heart 350 00:20:31,141 --> 00:20:33,575 My universe 351 00:20:33,743 --> 00:20:35,904 RAJ and BERNADETTE: My universe 352 00:20:36,079 --> 00:20:37,740 ALL (SINGING): You are my heart 353 00:20:37,914 --> 00:20:40,314 My universe 354 00:20:40,483 --> 00:20:42,246 You are my heart 355 00:20:42,452 --> 00:20:44,647 My universe 356 00:20:44,821 --> 00:20:46,482 You are my heart 357 00:20:46,656 --> 00:20:49,056 My universe 358 00:20:49,225 --> 00:20:52,717 My universe 359 00:21:00,370 --> 00:21:04,306 Dance number aside, I'm so not gay.